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Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Wise advice
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
💻🤡
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Me irl
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.