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ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ