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i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
my first day as a raccoon
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
This guy’s not having it 😆
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.