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I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Florida man
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
