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Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
early stone age tool
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?