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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
The Friday File.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t潭r潭u潭s潭t潭 潭i潭s潭s潭u潭e潭s潭 salmonella
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Him: What鈥檚 in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do馃憦you馃憦want馃憦a馃憦ham馃憦sandwich馃憦or馃憦turkey馃憦and馃憦cheese
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Me: shouldn鈥檛 ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that鈥檚 not what rising sea level means
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
It鈥檚 called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn鈥檛 respect you.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM