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[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
haha same
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.