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I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
what’s the point then??
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting