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EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
It’s so cold that men who wear shorts outside in the winter are wearing TWO pairs of shorts
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”