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[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Uh oh…
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now