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I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
