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Saw this yesterday lol
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I’m not lazy
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.