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[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings