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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
is this a threat
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Stop
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.