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People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.