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He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
This is me
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?