You Might Also Like
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Sure. Why not?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30