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The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Old old old old old west
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
i really liked this one
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-