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Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Raisins are grape jerky.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there