You Might Also Like
Erm…
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)