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How your email finds me
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I ain’t wearing no wire
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef