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celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
problems i need
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December