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Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
it was love at first sight
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*