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the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula