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*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Alexa; make it look like an accident
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while