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ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My favorite type of men is ramen.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs