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Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*