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*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-