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ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Yoga Matt
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.