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I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”