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Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
How I’d get arrested…
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.