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Should I call tech support or pray or what
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.