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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.