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*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.