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After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Wednesday
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?