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Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
<—- homeless romantic
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.