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Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off