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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids