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been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Whoops
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.