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Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending