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Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face