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true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally