Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.