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Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
My diet starts in January
of 2027
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there