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*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
quarantine day 3
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default