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Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.