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My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
The Punning Dead.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes