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Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
That’s not how days work.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.