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[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.