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*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.