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Siri, fight Alexa.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
🍞🦆
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Well, this certainly took a turn
