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[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.