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*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I can’t deal with men any longer
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?