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[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.