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Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine