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If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Love is always patient and kind.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.