You Might Also Like
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”