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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?