You Might Also Like
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you