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*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.