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Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
😼🖥️
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.