You Might Also Like
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Watson was Holmes schooled
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I need better friends
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.