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Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…