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translated into Canadian
My typo game is string.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.