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Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
(2022)
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.