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My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.