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It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?