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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Love is always patient and kind.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years