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People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.