You Might Also Like
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.