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Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
more water
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*