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If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”