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me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
congratulations to them
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?