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I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
they really wanted me dead for this
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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