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The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun