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Bruh 😂
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My plans: 2020:
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today