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Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.