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[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.