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“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
don’t be scared
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.