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Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.