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Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*