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You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.