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Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Aight bet
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death