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If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.