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to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Is this you?
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My life in a nutshell
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.