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I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
it must be school picture day
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around