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PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
what does he know…
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!