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My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
❤️❤️❤️
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.