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You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
life finds a way
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up